Dublin, Cayman Islands?

This is a classic, perhaps the diatribe that made me want to start this blog. One might even consider it epic. The background:

A hedge fund I worked for was waiting for a check to come in for a bond that matured. As goes the life of a hedge fund, it was shutting down, and while I was working in Greenwich, CT, the fund actually existed in the Cayman Islands, and the administrator that made sure we weren't pulling a "Madoff" was in Dublin (guess which country, or just read on). We hadn't seen the check yet, so it was time to check with the custodian bank. And so it goes...

THEM: The position was cashed out and checks have been issued. At this time the check has not been cashed and are still outstanding. The checks have been sent to the address on file and if this information needs to updated please send the following:

1. Letter of instructions on company letterhead with detailed instructions, Medallion Guarantee signed by the authorized officer.
2. Corporate Resolution showing authorized officer

-Is it just me, or is she already admitting that the address may be wrong? Foreshadowing perhaps?

ME: Please confirm the amount of the check and the address to which it was sent so that I may keep an eye out for it or request that it be forwarded if sent to a satellite office.

THEM: The amount of the check was for $123,456.78 made payable to Fake Name Hedge Fund. The check was sent to the following address effective 11/30/2006: Random Square, Shamrock's Hill, Dublin 2 Cayman Islands.
I hope that is of some assistance. If you have any further questions please let me know. Thank you

-sorry, have to hide the actual fund name and address, except for the part in bold, which is what this little story is all about. Houston, New York - we have a problem...

ME: Random Square, Dublin 2 is in Ireland, not the Cayman Islands. This needs to be resolved immediately. I can understand if you need authorization letters to change to the management company address in the US, however, I find it reasonable to ask that you re-send the check to the same address, only amending to the proper country, without any further such documentation than this email. That is the address of our former administrator, who can forward us the check upon receipt. Obviously, they cannot do this if the check goes to the Cayman Islands.

- I know, I sound lazy. I didn't want to do the paperwork, nor did I want to chase the people that would have to facilitate said paperwork. Besides, it's a minor amendment, right? Any reasonable human being would say so and make the correction, I think...

THEM: That is the address that is on the account since 2003. For updating even just the country under the address I still would need a letter of instructions stating what the correct information would be. The letter would need to be signed by an authorized officer and Medallion guarantee.

I understand that this might be a inconvenience but for me to request any information or reissuance of the check to the correct address I would need the letter for confirmation.

- I'm no longer at the point that I agree that this person is qualified to use the term "I understand."

ME: The address you have is completely invalid. Anybody who looks at a map will see that there is no Dublin in the Cayman Islands. I realize that in 2003 a form must have been completed incorrectly, but the request you are making is more than just an inconvenience. We are dissolving as a company, and a fund, and the authorized officers and resolutions are not up to date, as departures have been made from the firm and no full time employees remain, myself included. The check being sent is still being made out to the same party, Fake Name Hedge Fund, LTD, and therefore can only be cashed once that entity receives it. Surely you understand that the banks persistence in this matter is causing us not only a loss in collected interest (instead collected by the bank, in their favor), but also a strain and cost burden is being placed on Fake Name Hedge Fund due to a minor typographical error. Please speak to your manager or whoever needs to make this decision to simply correct the address to one that is geographically applicable to an address located on Earth as recognized by the majority of civilized human beings that inhabit it. Otherwise, we lack the choices and the resources to do anything but claim the lost interest at $77/day (approx) plus administration fees associated with preparing the necessary paperwork.

I appreciate your understanding in this matter and look forward to hearing that a check has been re-issued and sent to Dublin, Ireland.

- I know, I'm being an asshole again. I have other things to worry about and no more patience for ineptitude (if I had any to begin with). The interest claim is a total bluff, but it's possible that it is an amount greater than or equal to the salary of the martian I'm apparently dealing with, so it could be perceived as a threateningly high amount. I guess I was going for the "if they claim interest for an amount higher than they pay me for not doing my job as efficiently as I could, they might fire me. Ok, I'll amend the address and send a new check." jedi mind trick response. No such luck...

THEM: At this time the address that the bank has on file was set up in 2003 and paperwork has been sent to that address with nothing being returned to the bank. The book entry statement that you forwarded to me in October also shows the address that we have on file. I understand that what the Bank of [Density] is requesting could be a inconvenience, but at this time for any changes to be made under this account the bank needs a letter of instructions (This is protocol and per SEC regulations). Only the registered holder can effect changes on the account. I have spoken to my manager regarding the issue and for any changes to be made he stated what I have told you already. The Bank of [Density] would need a letter of instructions signed by a authorized officer with a medallion guarantee.

- I changed the Bank name, obviously. You would have realized that if you were reading what I wrote, just as she would have realized that Dublin is NOT in the Cayman Islands if she had read what I wrote. Apparently, using the same answer worded a different way is a tactic they teach for dispute resolution at the Bank of [Density]. Since I still don't have a check, and still don't want to medallion guarantee anything at all, the diatribe continues. You might even say it escalates...

Oh, and ask Harry Markopolos what he thinks of SEC protocol.

ME: I continue to not understand. The mere fact that you have received nothing back from what has been sent to an obviously incorrect country label should be reason enough. I cannot believe that the bank does not have the discretion to adjust an address from "Cayman Islands" where there is no Dublin, to "Ireland" where Dublin is not only synonymous with the country, but also home to one of the largest fund administrators in the world. You are basically telling me that the SEC does not allow you to stop putting a square peg in a round hole without written authorization that the square peg goes in the square hole. At least give me the acknowledgment that you concur that the address you have on file is completely erroneous.

- At this point I'm just begging her to accept the fact that the check went nowhere, protocol be damned. Just tell me you agree, admit you're wrong, and we'll work on what your boss is telling you you have to do. Not surprisingly, this tactic failed, and communication stopped.

ME (12 days later): Please respond or provide a manager that I can speak with.

- I'm not really sure what made me think that if she didn't respond, she would instead provide me with the name of her superior. Looks like a stupid move in hindsight, but I had no check, and no other contact route to take. I continued on with my "other" full-time job and left it alone for nearly two months.

ME: Has there been any progress on this matter? Fake Name Fund is still awaiting the payment they are due. Please provide a form if necessary to change the mailing address for the distribution as it is now obvious that sending something to Dublin in the Cayman Islands was completely futile. Please also stop payment on the original check before it falls into the wrong hands and is erroneously deposited.
Also, please provide a contact that I can speak to regarding an interest claim resulting from this bottleneck in the process.

- I'm feigning defeat. I'm also still threatening that erroneous interest claim. Lastly, I must have watched "Wedding Crashers" recently as that's the second time I've used the word "erroneous."

ME (another month later): Please provide a response immediately.

- I'm starting to think I'll never get the check. Out of the blue, a manager of some sort chimes in and decides to flex some muscle.

THEM: Any changes in the address field must come from the holder (PROTOCOL). Regardless of how you personally view this issue, the holder still has to update the address with a written correspondence. Remember that we have presented the issue to the change of address group to no avail. The holder has been receiving correspondence from Bank of [Density] since the bond was issued on 5/21/02. Please have the customer submit the letter so we can move forward.

- I don't remember presenting anything to the "change of address group" or even knowing such a group exists. Now he's lying to me, and putting things in capital letters, and still thinking that Dublin not being in the Cayman Islands is a matter of opinion. Let's get this guy on the phone and try and make sense out of it.

ME: I tried your phone # below and was told that "all circuits were busy." In any event, this matter is very simple. The address you have on file is nothing more than INVALID. This is not my personal opinion this is a fact. There is no Dublin in the Cayman Islands. You have issued a check to an invalid address and as such it remains uncashed and at risk of being deposited by somebody other than the intended recipient (FRAUD). I have asked repeatedly to have this corrected. I do not understand whom you are referring to when you say "the customer" as I am representing Fake Name Hedge Fund and am as such fully responsible for making sure the payment is received. Please tell me specifically what request you need in order to fulfill your protocol and amend to a valid address.

- OK, so calling him didn't work, that means I have no choice but to also put things in (parenthesized) capital letters and give a geography lesson. Then, fine, I'll do it your way, I guess. Maybe. But please just admit you're wrong!


THEM: The bond was issued in 2002. I understand that the address on file is obviously wrong. However, any changes in the address field has to come from the holder after 5 years of bond issuance. We need a letter in our files indicating that you affected the change of address. The holder also has an obligation to bring to Bank Of [Density]’s attention any discrepancies at the time of bond issuance.

- YES! Victory! Obviously wrong! We can now move on, right?

ME: This charade has gone on long enough. This query started in October of 2006 - within 5 years of any month in 2002, no matter how you do the math. I need you to do 2 things:

1) Stop payment on the check that was sent to Dublin, Cayman Islands.
2) Send me the required documentation that needs to be completed in order to get a check issued to an address that's actually on a map.

Please urgently comply with my request so we can finalize this matter.

See how easy that was? Just admit you're wrong and I'm happy to comply :)