I'd rather just go Home Depot

I've long thought that Lowes was a superior shopping experience to Home Depot for the average consumer. They are generally cleaner, more organized, and less warehouse-like than their brothers in orange. That said, there really isn't one nearby, so I usually end up doing the bulk of my handyman shopping at "the depot" or "home boys" as some like to call it.

Having heard recently that the corporate management had undergone some changes and that customer service was an increasing priority in a time when home building (and home owning) are on the decline, I've noticed that my trips in and out of HD have gotten shorter. It used to go like this:

Oh, let me just run to Home Depot and pick that up. I'll be right back

Are you kidding me? Just thinking about going there takes an hour out of your day.

And that was without exaggeration. Between jostling for a parking spot, stretching, stopping halfway to aisle 372 for a breather, actually finding what you want, and making it back just in time to wait in line at one of the 3 cash registers (of 40) that are open - it could easily take an hour.

Now, the people at Home Depot Corporate aren't complete idiots, and they see when changes are needed. Maybe crowds were just smaller with nobody having any money to put in to their homes, but lately it's been easier to get in and out of there for most things. And at some point they realized that having a separate cash register and security checkpoint for the "tool corral" inside the store but only leaving enough room for a line of people that make Verne Troyer look like a giant was a bad idea.

So what did they do with the self-checkout, fast-lane euphoria being witnessed at their precious warehouses?

They fucked it all up.

Just when you're learning where to find things in the labyrinth that is a Home Depot, they move them all around. And to make it worse, they don't do it overnight. It takes weeks, maybe even months. They've got the signs up on the old aisles so where you used to go to find shelving, it still says shelving at the end of the aisle, with no hints that shelving has moved to a perpendicular set of aisles no less than 3/4 of a mile away in what used to be where the lawn mowers were. It's a total mindfuck. Not even the employees know where shit is.

Ah yes, the employees. I had a lovely interaction with one today. In fairness, I know there are a certain percentage of HD employees that know their shit. They are retired tradesmen, or perhaps former local hardware store owners that were put out of business by the big chain and had to get a job somewhere. Whatever the background, every once in a while you come across somebody who is genuinely helpful. Today was not that day, and the following is not meant to reflect on said portion of the staff.

So I needed some shelves to add to a closet. Luckily, I've been there a few times in the last month so I didn't fall for the "oh the shelves are over there now" bullshit jedi mindfuck. I went to exactly where I needed to go, and got exactly what I needed to get. The part where I put stuff in my cart was probably one of the fastest missions to date (ok, I skipped stopping to stretch).

So I'm right next to where the big mitre saw and rip saw are, and I need these two pieces of lumber cut. I'd be happy to take them home and cut them myself, but I wasn't headed home with them. Besides, they cut them for free and clean up the mess. If only the entire department wasn't a ghost town.

Oh, what's that over there? A big fucking orange sign that says "Need help?" with some little pushbutton device that apparently lets you page the lazy ass that's hiding in the back on break instead of in the aisle doing his job. I mean, the slogan is "you can do it, we can help" for crying out loud, so how about some fucking help? I push it like I'm ringing a doorbell. The former paperboy in me that used to collect $1.25/week from people in cash door to door for their newspapers returns and decides when the appropriate time for the "next" ring is. I go through about 3 turns of "push here for customer service" farse before I decide to inspect this little system.

What's that on the bottom? Oh, it's an Energizer logo. Maybe there's a random coupon or something? I reach out to touch it - it's an energizer battery, and it's practically falling out of the device. I push up on the battery and it slides up the vacant battery column as far as my finger will reach. It is now disturbingly obvious that this little do-dad is not doing anything.

I decide it's time to roam a little further than the couple dozen aisles that make up the lumber department to see who I can find. I'm normally hesitant to do this because as soon as you get out of sight, a couple of things are guaranteed to happen:

1. The cart with your shit on it that you left by the saw in a weak effort to "hold" your space will get taken away
2. Some other schmuck will show up while you're gone, stumble upon qualified help, and proceed to make him cut 47 pieces of wood while you wait since the cart you left holding your place in line has now disappeared

Round 1, I see a guy in a dashing orange apron pop out of an aisle and turn to walk away from. me.

ME: Excuse me!?
He keeps walking
ME: Excuse me!? (louder this time). Excuse me!? (escalating)
He finally turns around.
THEM: 'Jes?

ME: Can you help me get these cut please?

THEM: Ah, no. I no can cut.

ME (noticing his groovy motorola walkie talkie clipped to the apron): Ok, can you help me find somebody then?

THEM: Ok I page

During the next 5-10 minutes of standing around believing that somebody is actually coming to help me, a few things happen. The first is that I start calculating how long it would take me to just go back home, cut it myself, and then bring it to where it needs to go. The other is a glimmer of hope - a young man with a cart containing tools that did not appear to be for sale pulls up near the saws. He opens a new saw blade from the packaging, and gets some tools out.

ME: Hey, you think you can help me cut this?

THEM: If I worked here I could. Isn't there a button you can push to get somebody over here?

ME: yeah, there's a button, but it doesn't do anything without the batteries in it.

False alarm. I do another mini loop where I don't let the cart out of my sight and try and see if ANYBODY is coming. After all, they were paged, right? It's been about 15-20 minutes now, still well within the old boundaries of how long a visit to the home boys should take but I'm in a bit of a hurry, and am growing impatient with the whole process.

I go a few aisles out of bounds to what I think was the flooring section, but a month ago it was probably an aisle full of vacuum cleaners and find another "customer associate" or whatever bullshit term is used to describe them.

ME: Hi there, can you help me with some wood I need to get cut?

THEM: There are people in the lumber department that can help you.

ME: Um, actually, there aren't, which is why I'm asking you. Can you help me find somebody please?

THEM: Ok, I don't know why they are hiding. I help you find somebody.

Things are looking up! He's going to actually take a walk and track somebody down! He's my new best friend! We start walking towards lumber and come to a screeching halt at the saw where the non-employee is finishing up changing the blade.

THEM: Oh, see, that's why. He fixing the saw, so we have to wait.

THEM/Saw guy: I'll be done in one minute, just got to tighten this bolt.

ME: Thanks, he's almost done, can we go find somebody that can help? He'll be done before they get here.

THEM: No, we have to wait, he fixing.

THEM/Saw guy: I'll be done in 30 seconds

ME: Can you please go find somebody, he'll be done before you get back.

THEM: We can't we have to wait until he fix.

ME: You're kidding me, right?

THEM: I will find you somebody.

ME: Ok, well how about going to find them now so we aren't waiting around?

THEM: I am finding you somebody!!

ME: No you're not! You're standing there doing nothing!

THEM: I have to wait until he fix -

At this point I've removed the items I was going to have cut from my cart. Not sure why I didn't just buy them and take them home, but I guess it was for the theater effect. He continues to argue with me about how him standing still and waiting for the guy to finish changing a saw blade equates to him actually locating somebody who is qualified to help as I am walking away. I couldn't make out what he said, nor did I care at that point.

ME (screaming loud enough to scare babies): In the time it took us to argue about this, you could have had somebody back here and this could have all been finished!

Or something to that effect. I don't know exactly. I'm sure I was laughed at after I left, and a small part of me dreads going back. But really, what the fuck? I have to wait 20 minutes to find somebody to help, and then when somebody who might actually help me do just that, he stops in his tracks because, to him, the changing of the saw blade meant that the saw was inoperable and thus going to find somebody was a complete waste of time.

I don't generally raise my voice in public like that, but I was on the verge of being late, and he couldn't just admit he was wrong!